I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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