Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
