So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
God, I missed his penis.
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