she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
