dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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