I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
