u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
