Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
