so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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