I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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