He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
