you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
