Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
