Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
