you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
