his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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