I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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