Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
