My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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