My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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