Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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