I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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