Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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