Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
