he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
