I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
