my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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