I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
handjob tips. give me some.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i've created a new STD.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
