dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
