1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
