bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
