I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize