I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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