Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
