remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
