saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
