then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
