from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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