I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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