I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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