Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I need to stop coming to work sober
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
