i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
ok first of all what the fuck
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
