I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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