The maid of honor just puked.
Can i not drive my cunt home
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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