Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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