the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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