smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
