It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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