Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
