i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
