I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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