But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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