I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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