My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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