Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
