I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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